Real or Imitation?

Shrinks, counselors, therapists, and the like must be doing a bang up business because of people like me… people who can’t talk to anyone because nobody wants to hear what they have to say, but we can’t keep all these thoughts bottled up inside because they’ll burn us up from the inside out.

I can’t post my feelings on Facebook, because nobody wants to hear anything negative.

I post here but it’s only shouting into the fucking wind.

I certainly can’t talk to my so-called friends in person because they don’t want to hear it either. They only want to talk about their own problems, or hear that everything is hunky dory.

I’m disgusted with life, but what’ll happen if I post that? I tried once before and got a whole bunch of keep your chin ups.

Thanks… it helps —- NOT

I’m angry, but nobody wants to hear that…nooooo

So I’ve become terribly afraid of saying anything to anyone — especially people I know who I already relate to… because, as past experience has shown, I start to feel comfortable, then I say something innocent and end up in a world of hurt because I let down my goddamn guard and felt comfortable enough to voice an opinon, or idea or something that angers them.

They’re allowed to be angry and outraged at something I say, but I’m not afforded the same courtesy?

Who made up this rule?

Luci is always wrong, and because of it, Luci is terrified of being comfortable with people and saying anything.

I wish I had a time machine to prove it. Make this choice and you end up in shit … hit reset and try again. Make the opposite choice and I end up in shit again … I really don’t need a time machine because I’ve done it. Was in the same position and made the opposite choice and still ended up wrong.

I went to a class. A simple class that I thought might lead me to a community where I can fit in, and I’ll finish the class, but I can tell already that it’s a bust because I forgot that while those people are open-minded, they’re really only open-minded as long as you think the way they do. Any disagreement is taken as negative thinking and is frowned upon, but I chose to do this, so finish it I will. I could be wrong… I usually am.

I want to be able to speak freely without choosing each and every word carefully… wait, I can’t say that because it’ll offend this person, but I can’t word it this way because it’ll offend that person… and I certainly can’t say this because it’ll offend everyone.

My problem seems to be that no matter where I go, I don’t fit in ENOUGH.

Sure, my views are 80% compatible with theirs, but the 20% that isn’t, is abhorrent to somebody, and they forget the 80% they like and only focus on the 20%. (just picking numbers at random here… but it feels approximately correct)

So I’m supposed to try and deny 20% of myself to make other people happy? And I’m supposed to remember which 20% of myself to hide behind a screen with this person or that person or this group of people?

I don’t get that. Does everyone do this? How do you keep it straight? Here I’m this, and there I’m that? Put this mask on for tonight… and don’t get comfortable or you’ll forget you’re wearing that mask and say something that will only alienate you from this group of people too.

So where’s the group of people who speak freely and let others do so as well?

I’m ME. All of me. I’m not asking you to love all of me, or even like all of me… just let me be ME. I get told often enough, “It’s just the way he is,” or something similar, but when I’m just the way I am? I get a world of hurt piled on me. Nobody seems to afford me the same goddamn courtesy. I don’t see anyone following around behind me saying, “she didn’t mean it that way, it’s just her opinion, don’t take it personally.”

If someone voices an opinion that I disagree with, I’ll start a conversation, or try to, but people don’t seem to want to hear differing opinions, they just want to talk to people who have the same opinion, and agree with you 100%, and let you run on and on without contributing to the conversation because if you do… you’re interrupting them and are being inconsiderate, and if they liked you before, they seem to forget that.

I can’t discuss politics with Dick because he’s a militant left-wing person, and I’m more middle of the road. I agree with the republicans on some ideas, and the democrats on others. I believe in finding a solution. I don’t particularly care if the solution comes from a democrat, a mormon, a hippie or a small child. There’s a commercial on tv, one that indicates the democrats got us into this mess, and Dick is offended by this commercial. It’s not a nice commercial. I feel the people who made it are being offensive, but I can see past that and realise they have a good point. I did some research, and although they went about it in a wrong way, they’re correct in what they’re saying. Dick on the other hand, just dismisses the whole thing because he’s offended by the way they made their case.

Am I the only one who listens to people whos opinions are different than my own? Am I the only one who thinks for herself and comes up with her own opinions?

I sometimes feel controlled by my emotions, but shit like that behaviour seems to prove me wrong. It’s when I get reamed for being me that I really let me loose and the shit starts to fly and the tears start to flow and I take a baseball bat to my recycle bin to let the anger out of me so it doesn’t fester inside… but that’s wrong too. I’m supposed to be able to just let all the bad stuff flow from me without letting it touch me in any way, shape or form while they feel free to trounce on me because they think I’ve done something wrong?

FUCK THAT…. gimme my bat… that recycle bin doesn’t have enough dents in it yet.


About justmenobodyreally

I'm a bitter, lonely woman.. read on and you'll discover why.
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