Once again I find myself typing instead of ranting into the phone or the mirror, or writing illegibly into my journal because there’s nothing else to do. I’ve done the work that isn’t due until sunday, and I prepped what I could for the next few weeks with that particular client. I’m waiting on a call from another client…. she usually calls on monday to find out when I can pick up a load of work, then she bitches about how behind she is, and can I possibly do four days work in two? I can’t bitch, because I’ve ALWAYS come through for her (except when my machine goes on strike by breaking down because I work the damn thing harder than I should)… So here I sit, with nothing to do but wait, and that means my brain starts running circles around itself… circles I can’t stop.
I have no friends to call to catch up on with, or vent on, and I have nobody to blame for that but me because I really don’t see the benefit of friendship, and that’s part of why I feel so alien.
So, WHY do people make friends?
Beats the fuck out of me.
My landlady just blew through here on her way to some meeting or another… some meeting that she told me about, but I wasn’t reallly listening after the first few minutes because I simply don’t give a shit about whatever it was she was talking about. That pretty much covers all of the conversations I have with her.
It started with her asking if I had jumper cables because she’d once again done a dumb thing (not surprising) and left the keys in her car in the on position and now her car won’t start (she lives downstairs). She’s already running late, now she’s later because she just can’t seem to get her shit together. I’ve lost count of the times she’s done shit like this. Hell, I could write for hours and not even come close to telling you every time she’s fucked up because she’s too stupid to make the simplest effort to make her life easier.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve locked the keys in my car on occasion, but I also have a spare in my purse, and I own jumper cables, so worst case scenerio, I can flag down a passing motorist and ask for a jump, or simply get into it if I left them in the ignition while shopping. I’m also a member of AAA in case it breaks down… whereas she’s driving around with a hinky clutch, and brakes so bad she’s already been in one accident, yet she still doesn’t bother to get them fixed… not because of finances, but because she doesn’t have time to have it done.
Simple precautions make life simpler, but she seems to go out of the way to complicate things, but I’m not going to go off on this tangent any further…. it’ll only lead my mind down a fucked-up road and piss me off!
My ex had a bezillion friends.. He liked to game, and all his gaming buddies would come over and I’d listen to dice rolling and little metal miniatures all the time, and weird conversations about ogres and monsters and superpowers. I tried joining them, but it was too boring with a thousand million rules and rules lawyers and such… I ended up all alone in a room with six or seven guys. They were friends because they had a similar interests in stupid little models and the games they could play with them.
Tim has a bezillion friends… most of them online, and he buries himself in his computer. When he comes up for air he inundates me with talk of people I’ve never met, and stories about things that don’t interest me. …. fezmonger is going to the east coast… that sort of thing. I can only assume that he and they have similar interests. Fez’s, ukuleles, writing music, etc.
Dick has a bezillion friends… mostly girls he’s trying to lay, so he won’t talk to me about them, and useless nonsense that gets posted on Facebook… I really don’t care who is making cookies, or weeding their yard, or going on a trip. I don’t draw pictures and post them just so people I don’t care about can tell me that it looks like their cat on drugs or something else “funny”… are they really friends, or just people he kills time with when he should be doing something else? People on Facebook have similar interests and EXPAND them, by adding people who match here, but have this other interest over here that doesn’t thrill me, but this one that does… so let’s explore that further. I get the theory of that, but I have no interests of my own to start with, and after just surfing online via Google’s random (I Feel Lucky) button for hours… I still don’t see anything that attracts me… not one thing.
My landlady is busy, busy, busy… she works in an arts group that I used to be a part of, but why? All they do is talk about fixing this problem or that problem, and never actually get around to fixing anything. She volunteers with a group who’s goal is to get health care for everybody… YEAH, like that’s going to work! She even participated in a video for YouTube, protesting Target because they’ve donated a bunch of money to a candidate…. That sounds like fun — NOT!
So where does someone like me go to find people who also have nothing to do and noone to do it with?
I like to play cards, but all my attempts to put together a collection of people (or find an existing collection) to get together with have met with no results.
I’m boring and dull apparently, because I don’t care for meaningless bullshit, or wasted effort to change things that won’t change.
The things I like are mostly solitary things… reading, watching movies, doing the occasional jigsaw puzzle, and other such endeavours.
I spend a ton of time working, and when I’m not working, I drug or drink myself into a stupor to turn off my brain, or I’ll spend hours and hours typing useless crap, talking to myself, neither of which doesn’t make things any better, reading through old entries in my journal… noticing that I still have the same problem I had a year ago… or two years ago… or 10 years ago, and that no progress has been made, and I’m no better off, and that only makes things worse.
I try to force myself to do SOMETHING…ANYTHING, but it doesn’t matter what I end up doing, because it doesn’t interest me (most likely because I’m alone and have no one to share the experience with), and I only end up sitting there, my brain running back to the same circles they’d be in if I was sitting at home, alone with my own thoughts. I went to the pier to watch boats, and ended up sitting there, soaking wet because I’d been so wrapped up in my own thoughts I didn’t notice it had started to rain. I’ve gone to the zoo… I love the zoo, but all the people there paired up make me cry because I’m alone with no one to share it with.
That’s all I really want… someone to share my life with, but I have no interests to attract me to others… nothing I can latch onto… nothing that lends itself easily to group… I mean, is there someplace where you can post… I’m alone, and would like someone to go to the zoo with?… I’ve tried Craigslist, but don’t get me started on that one again… it’s full of assholes and psychos looking for free blow jobs.
Yahoo groups have gotten me nowhere.
The Red Hat Society…. a bunch of old women talking about their grandkids from what I’ve experienced.
The circles close in and I’m out of ideas, yet I keep looking for ideas….
Back to Einstein and his definition of stupid.
I can’t break out of this fucking box, and I’m usually GREAT at thinking outside the box. I’m beginning to think this box is too fucking big to get out of, but I don’t seem to fit into this society.
In a world full of people connecting, I can’t seem to find other misfits to connect with.