Oh my, I really need to go off on a rant for a moment here, and I know you’re not going to like it, but here goes because I’m done with NOT speaking my mind when I need to …..
Let’s talk about new age crap shall we?
If one more person tells me to think positively, or surround myself with white light, look at myself in a mirror and smile, or tell myself I Love You… I’m going to go shoot somebody!
I used to think like that, but it has proven to be another useless crutch like trusting in the Lord, having faith in the goodness of man, or believing in Santa Claus.
I’ll go into the particulars of what started this whole mess another time, but let’s just synopsize for a moment.
For the last two years of my marriage, I kept thinking that maybe this time he’ll listen to me, and maybe we can work out some solution, or compromise or something. I’d tell him why I was unhappy, and try to get him to talk to me, and he’d say sure, and for a brief time I’d have hope that things would get better…. they never did. I thought positively time and time again…. rewording things, coming up with different compromises, different possible solultions, and his response was always… sure, ok, let’s do that, and nothing would change for the better… it just continued to get worse and worse, and I got more and more miserable until finally I asked him to leave. He said sure, but then he phoned me at work and said he wasn’t leaving… he couldn’t leave me… so I went home, packed as much of my stuff into my car as was possible, and left the rest behind… he still has it all in storage somewhere, holding it ransom. He can have it. If I’ve lived without the stuff for 10 years, I can live without it for the rest of my life.
Thinking positively got me nowhere… trying got me nowhere… psychics got me nowhere, marriage counseling got us nowhere… being upbeat and trying to change MY ways to fall more in line with his to keep the peace got me nowhere.
Then there was a short time where I was living in my office until I found myself a place… and thought good thoughts about it.. thinking I could start a new life… be a new person… I looked on the bright side… “now I can put all that behind me.”
Then came Mark (not my brother obviously.. a different Mark). I thought Mark was great… he seemed to understand, and for a brief time things were good, but it soon became obvious that the same problems were still in play, so, like with my ex, I tried to communicate, and he didn’t listen…
He wanted me to write a journal… great, I did that, but he never read it, or if he did…. he didn’t respond by changing his behaviour, or making a comment or even telling me I was full of shit and starting a dialogue or fight of his own.
He said if I had a problem I should send him an email… that way, he’d have time to have his emotional reaction, then think through his answer and get back to me with something constructive…. great, I did that and he NEVER answered in any way… verbally, typed, or by deed. Nothing… not one word, not one action, and if I would say I was unhappy because we hadn’t made love in a month, could we please do so? He’d bring me a teddy bear, kiss me on my forehead and fall asleep on the couch… and if I had the temerity to mention it again? He’d go off on me and start a fight, and we still wouldn’t make love or come to some compromise. Each time, I’d come at the problem (not always sex… any problem) with a positive attitude… this time he’ll listen… this time I’ll say it in such a way that something clicks in his thick skull.. .this went on for two years until I kicked him out of my bed permanently.
When that happened, I started online dating, and actively seeking out a new lover(s), thinking once again that I had a new life ahead of me to look forward to, and I didn’t even have to lose all my stuff this time!
Enter the assholes. Each time I’d think positively… “this guy won’t be an asshole”… “this guy is different”… “this is the guy”… “this time things will work better,” but it didn’t happen.
Creeps, assholes, losers, always seem to sit next to me on the bus. I mentioned it to a “new age” co-worker in passing, and she suggested I wear patchouli because it brings success, and creeps and losers and assholes are afraid of success, so they won’t sit next to me on the bus. I can’t stand the smell of patchouli, but I tried it anyway… I mean, maybe it might work? What the fuck?….
Doesn’t work.. not for me anyway. If there’s a creep getting on the bus… he’ll sit next to me every time. I don’t wear patchouli anymore… I’ve gone back to my coconut lotion, and my own nose is happier, but I’m still sitting next to some creep on the fucking bus.
I was told to surround myself with white light as protection from evil….
In another post I mentioned a guy who approached me and told me how much better I looked, but I had a long way to go. I was minding my own business, walking down the street to get lunch, trying to break out of a lousy mood because of the latest asshole, visuallizing myself surrounded by white light as I walked… trying to enjoy the weather, the scents, the good things I let through the white bubble, and here comes this asshole I don’t even know because after looking at my profile and determining that I was too large for him he didn’t even bother to contact me to tell me that I was all wrong for him. I think I posted what he said to me, I should contact him after I’d lost another 50 pounds. I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t approach him, either in person, or online to the best of my knowledge. He sought me out to insult me… So much for positive thinking, and protective bubbles of white light.
This lady at the market, who’s really into the new age crap tells me all the time to look in a mirror and say I love you to myself. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I do love myself… that’s not the problem… the problem is that no male thinks I’m worth knowing, much less loving, and I end up feeling like an ugly duckling in a world full of swans.
It’s not that I don’t love myself, it’s that I feel incomplete without someone else to share my life with… someone who thinks I’m special enough to occasionally put my feelings ahead of his the way I’ve always put my lovers’ feelings ahead of mine in an attempt to make things better … right up until I can’t take it anymore, and refuse to try one more time.
According to Einstein… stupid is doing the same thing again and again, expecting different results. At some point, you have to admit that the theory is wrong, and you move on to another theory. It took me 12 years with Steve (my ex), and 8 years with Mark.
I’ve looked at them both in hindsight, and all I really see is that I enabled them to become lazy bums… With my husband, I became the breadwinner of the family after he got injured and his L&I claim dismissed (yes, I see the correlation between situations, but I’m fairly certain that has no bearing on anything because I had no control over my father’s injury, and no control over my husband’s injury, though I do admit that my reaction to the problem was just like my mothers… pull up the bootstraps and figure out how to make ends meet). I put his needs ahead of my/our needs, to help him regain his self-esteem, and all I accomplished was to give him a reason to be a bum. I was the breadwinner, and things got tough financially… (another long story I’ll relate eventually), and then things got worse and worse finally ending in divorce because he’d become a bum so lazy he couldn’t even be bothered to greet me with a hug and a kiss when I came home from a long day at work.
Mark and I also started off sharing bills and such, but (I think) it soon became a matter of ego to him that I earned more money, and once again it was me saying things like, “it’s ok… I don’t mind”…. “how can I help you?” and other words to get him out of his funk and back to doing what he does best, even if he didn’t earn more money than I…. only it didn’t work, his funk got more and more funkier, then I got downsized…. couldn’t find work, and the financial situation got worse, which made things even worse still … I worked harder to compensate, while he got more depressed and did nothing.
I tried to find a solution, they both crawled into a shell and wouldn’t come out. They denied a problem existed, despite all evidence to the contrary, because they wouldn’t listen to me when I explained there WAS a problem. I guess they both just figured I’d continue to take it, or find a solution on my own because I’m so damned good at finding the way out. If that’s true, I can understand it where Steve is concerned, but not with Mark because he knew exactly what happened in my marriage. I tried to point out to him that I wasn’t going to walk down this road… taking on the role of a nagging wife, even though it bugged me to have to do so… but I didn’t want to make the same mistake, so down that road I walked… for all the good it did me.
So, forget the white light… forget the positive thinking. Forget all that crap because it has led me nowhere… sure, you can make the arguement that something worse would have happened if I didn’t think positively, but that’s just stupid because for all anyone knows… the same exact things would have happened had I not been thinking positively.
Now, I’m upfront and honest with men (not that I wasn’t before… I was always honest, and nice, and caring, and sweet). Perhaps my honesty scares away the decent men? I could do the “it’s ok” thing again, putting my needs and feelings aside in favour of his, but that’ll only lead me down the same road, to the same destination, finding myself with the same problem. If I can’t be honest with a guy, and be ME, and feel comfortable telling him what I think, and how I feel, and how his actions (or lack thereof) make me feel … he’s NOT a nice guy.
But the nice guys don’t seem attracted to me…. only the creeps, assholes, losers, misfits, liars, bums, users and abusers.
I believe in what I observe. I toss a hammer off the roof 100 times, and 100 times it falls to the ground, I think it’s safe to say that when you throw a hammer off a roof, it’s going to fall. I think that it’s also a smart move to maybe toss the hammer out the window to see if the same thing happens before you start telling people that the hammer will fall to the ground if you throw it out the window.
I’ve tossed a ton of hammers out the window, thinking that if I try hard enough to make the hammer NOT fall to the ground, it won’t.
It always falls to the fucking ground!
So maybe I should throw a screwdriver?
Don’t get me started on religion either. It’s another dead-end, having faith in someone or something other than your own abilities.
Job was an idiot. He should have told God where to stick it and had faith in himself.
That’s where I am.
Telling God to go stick it.
Taking my ball and going home because I don’t want to play anymore.
If some nice guy is going to enter my life, he’s going to have to break into my house, chain me up with a gold chain, place me on a satin cushion, and treat me like a queen until I decide to stop snarling and biting at him because too many people have kicked me when I’m down…. have eaten food in front of a starving woman… have flaunted their good fortune to the homeless guy on the street corner, begging for change.
And I also know that I’m shooting myself in the foot with that attitude, but I am so close to complete and utter mental calamity that I have to pull up the drawbridge and man the battlements.
I’m thinking positively that the assholes won’t be able to swim the moat, and that the arrows of discontent will find their marks.