Holy shit… I came here to vent, and what should be a simple fucking thing turns out to be a goddamn nightmare!
I mean, I sign up and all, but trying to figure out how to actually make a post took forever.
And I have this tiny little box to type in? All I can see is one sentence? Who thought up this idea anyway?
Alright, onto why I originally came here to vent….
Today a therapist told me to start a blog… yes, a blog. Why? I’m sure she thought that it would do me some good in some way, but she really didn’t have enough time to get to know me, so I can’t blame her for her stupidity.
Yet, here I am… typing for the sake of typing. I’m a bitter woman these days. I didn’t used to be bitter, but my life over the past two years or so have made me an extremely bitter woman who would love to watch the whole fucking world go up in flames.
Blog? Like I give a goddamn that some asshole in Outer Mongolia is reading my words and cares that I’m in pain. I lost a shitload of weight… people tell me how great I look, and I don’t give a shit about their comments either because it didn’t accomplish what it was supposed to accomplish…. I really don’t care that people think I look better now than a year ago, because I did it to make myself more attractive to men…. men who STILL don’t want anything to do with me.
Nowadays I understand why… it’s because all the lame, asshole losers I’ve run across have made me a bitter, angry, I-don’t-give-a-shit-about-anybody’s-problems-but-my-own-type of woman, when I didn’t used to be like that.
This therapist told me I would benefit from finding something to volunteer for.
Volunteer? What? You’re going to have to take my word on this one, but I’ve done plenty of volunteering in my day, and it got me nowhere but used. I have a strong work ethic… even when I’m not paid for it, so I can’t volunteer for something… then yak, yak, yak at other volunteers and feel justified to do so because, after all, it’s not like I’m getting paid for it. Nope, I do what I say I’ll do, and end up doing everyone else’s job too… In other words… I get USED a lot simply because it’s my nature to be a workaholic who takes pride in what she’s accomplished…. even when she’s NOT getting paid.
So volunteering gets me nowhere closer to my goal…
My goal? Is to find someone to share my life with so I won’t have to be alone.
“Enjoy the simple things.” I get told that a LOT, but you know what? I see a beautiful sunset and I don’t think… “look what a beautiful sunset”… I think… “I wish there was someone I could share this with”… and just get lonlier…
I used to be fat… I fixed that and still nobody wants me.
I used to be clever and witty and fun to be with, and nobody wanted me.
OK, so I’m not a supermodel.
I’m not a dog either.
I just want someone to treat me like I’m special…. because goddamit I AM SPECIAL.
At least I used to be… now I’m nothing apparantly.
No, I exaggerate. I’m not nothing. I’m a great production monkey for others. I’m always there when someone needs me (why I don’t have a shitload of friends…. they all just use me and use me and use me and when I need something… they’re not there so I walk away… never to be heard from again).
So why did I start this stupid blog? Beats me really. I needed to vent I guess, and this is my only outlet — venting at strangers to get it out of my system so it doesn’t fester. Yeah, like it won’t fester anyway…. it’s been festering for a year now no matter what I do.
I still can’t wrap my brain around this idea really. Like I’m supposed to be amused or enlightened or something by some stranger telling me he/she enjoys reading my words of misery? Let me tell you my official prediction, based upon prior experience, and an understanding of myself…
I write this blog… wasting HOURS of my time because I tend to be very verbal… then I rewrite it and rewrite it to get it right… more time away from what I should be doing… then either…
1. Nobody reads it and I get even more depressed because nobody read it… forget the fact that I have no friends to post here… and I wouldn’t tell anyone about it anyway… depression isn’t logical.. it just IS.
2. Like I said… strangers feel sympathy for me and leave meaningless posts that don’t help me get any closer to my goal, so I end up getting angrier than I already am. I can’t help myself at this point. I keep trying… when I find myself getting all worked up, I tell myself to stop it… the fool didn’t know… he didn’t mean it… etc…. doesn’t help… I just think “of course he doens’t know.. because NOBODY wants to know or care about me.”
Blog? So some fools can tell me about a great dating site I should try?
I’ve done them all folks. Had NO luck whatsoever…. even after I turned them off, deleted, vacation mode, etc. I still got bullshit from assholes… There’s one where you can’t delete your account, or make it unviewable (I guess they’re trying to artifically elevate their numbers), so I took down the photo, and reworded my profile to …
I don’t come here anymore, so all of you assholes can just go bother some other woman stupid enough to create a profile here. I’m off the market.
Would you reply to that? I got several responses… mostly from guys in other states. The latest one was from some guy who said he loved my photo and thought I was really interesting.
There is no photo, and I’d hardly call my two-sentence profile interesting… He was just some asshole fishing for who knows what.
I know he’s an asshole, but when all you seem to attract is assholes, then you’d start to become a bit bitter too.
My best friend keeps encouraging me…. “it’s not you, there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s THEM.”
Sorry, but when it’s hundreds of guys… and I do mean hundreds over the last two years… some a LOT worse than others admittedly… you gotta start wondering what’s wrong with yourself that you’re attracting all the wrong guys.
The therapist said my biggest problem was me.. said I was negative and angry.
You would be too.
I’m a problem-solving, goal-oriented, type of person, and the fact that this problem is out of my control is making me nuts. I mean, I can’t force someone to find me attractive or interesting. All I can do is all I can do. I try to look my best — it didn’t work. I tried being coy, shy, honest, clever, witty, helpful, you name it… I tried it. Got me nowhere.
I’ve done the online dating thing — didn’t work, and boy could I relate some horror stories to you.
I tried hanging out in dog parks to meet lonely dog owners — didn’t work.
I tried just walking in good neighbourhoods — didn’t work.
I don’t like clubbing, so I didn’t go there. — I don’t want a guy who spends his nights in a club… drinking.. instead of with me… therefore, going clubbing isn’t going to find me a guy I’d be interested in…
I don’t like working out, so I didn’t do that either. I don’t want a guy who’s so shallow that he only looks at a person’s outside and judges from that, or someone so terrified of death that he thinks he can extend his life by being Mr. Fitness… My uncle was that back in the ’70s before it was the popular thing to do, and he dropped dead of a heart attack taking out the garbage when he was in his 50’s… Sorry to burst your bubble folks, but good health is merely the slowest rate at which a person can die.
There’s a lot of things I don’t like, so didn’t bother to try.
There’s not much that interests me either folks. My interests tend to be intangible rather than something someone can buy at a store or do or something like that.
I like walking hand in hand in the rain.
I like cuddling and spooning whilst watching a movie.
I like sex.
I like to be helpful to people I care about.
I like to make dinner for someone special.
OK, so I can’t hold an intelligent conversation about the latest fashions, or sports teams. And I certainly can’t make small talk.
I have no girlfriends because women and I don’t get along really. My attitudes are contrary to theirs mostly. I don’t want to hear about your fucking kids. I didn’t want kids, and went to great lengths to NOT have any… unfortunately, most women my age have kids they’re proud of… good for you… leave me alone.
They bitch about husbands cheating and my attitude is along the lines of… “if you gave him a decent blow job now and then.. .maybe he wouldn’t fucking cheat on you.” I speak from experience on that one, considering the amount of married guys I hear shit like that from as they try to nail me… I love my wife but…. she doesn’t do that… my wife doesn’t like sex anymore…. I’m not looking for something romantic…. just sex because my wife…..
So women and I tend not to get along. I don’t expect a man to be faithful, and I don’t know why other women do. I don’t know why they’re so surprised when they aren’t…. beats the shit out of me.
I’ve been at this too long already… I hear deadlines flying past. I’ll type more again I think… depends on whether or not I can find this place again.. log in.. remember which stupid options I clicked to actually get to this place where I can type in a little freaking box that shows no more than 25 characters.
I have no patience these days… not that I ever had much in the first place.