Frustration

Back in January I was in an accident… some guy ran a stop sign and I hit him.

I’m not here to complain that I have to pay for the damages ($2166.00) because I didn’t have insurance… even though I wasn’t the one who was driving unsafely… I made the choice to not buy insurance, so that is the consequences of that choice.

I’m not here to complain that I wasn’t even notified that I owed the money until it went to collections and they upped it to $2622.91. Had I been informed, I would have made some kind of payment schedule to take care of the problem.

I’m not even here to complain that I got the notice from the collection agency with only 20 days to come up with $2600 before they suspended my license. I couldn’t possibly come up with that amount in that amount of time, so my license got suspended and I’ve been on public transportation since then.

When I had come up with the money, I called and took care of it. That was on 20 August, and at that time I was informed that I would have to wait UP TO 45 days to receive the paperwork necessary to take to bank to be notified, sent back to them so they could send me yet more paperwork that I could take to the DMV to get my license back. Actions have consequences, and I guess these were just the consequences.

But I’m really not complaining about any of that, unfair as some of those things may be.

NO

I’m here to complain that I called them on day 46 to find out what the hold up was and their response was basically, we don’t know. We haven’t heard from our client. Call back at the end of the week.

Well, I was ill with a bad cold, and only just today called them back. I get the same story.

We don’t have the paperwork to send you.

We’re waiting on a response from our client.

We’re sorry for the inconvenience.

We don’t have a number you can call to speed things up.

There’s nothing you can do except continue to wait.

Wait wait wait and more wait.

THIS IS WHAT I’M COMPLAINING ABOUT

I did my part.

I ponied up the money to pay off my debt like a good girl as soon as I could manage it, despite the fact that nobody told me about it until it was too late to really do something.

I patiently waited the 45 days that they asked me to wait before I called to politely enquire about the status.

I then waited another week and was told the same thing.

I constantly find this to be the problem. I do what I’m supposed to do, but do I get rewarded in any way for being a good girl?

NO

I get pushed around because there’s nothing you can do when you’re talking to a human machine who only has so many phrases programmed into their memory banks.

We’re sorry, there’s nothing we can do.

and people wonder why i get so frustrated i want to kill people

oh, and before you say “that’s what you get for driving without insurance” understand this…. insurance companies want too much money from me because I haven’t had insurance in 30 years… never mind the fact that my record is clean (or was up until january) with only three tickets on my record for driving without insurance (five now)… never mind that…nnoooooo

They want $800 for six months, then I expect if my record stays clean it’ll go down. I don’t know for certain.

Let’s just say $1000 a year for 30 years… that’s $30,000 I would have paid out to insurance companies.

I’m out $2600 plus five tickets for driving without insurance. The first three were approximately $300 each, the last two were $525 each. That brings the total to $4550… from $30,000 means I’m still up about $25K on the deal.

That’s about what I make in a year.

Frustration factor?

Impossible to calculate, but the argument could be made that I’m already on the verge of complete insanity, so this is just another buckle on the straight jacket of life.

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Real or Imitation?

Shrinks, counselors, therapists, and the like must be doing a bang up business because of people like me… people who can’t talk to anyone because nobody wants to hear what they have to say, but we can’t keep all these thoughts bottled up inside because they’ll burn us up from the inside out.

I can’t post my feelings on Facebook, because nobody wants to hear anything negative.

I post here but it’s only shouting into the fucking wind.

I certainly can’t talk to my so-called friends in person because they don’t want to hear it either. They only want to talk about their own problems, or hear that everything is hunky dory.

I’m disgusted with life, but what’ll happen if I post that? I tried once before and got a whole bunch of keep your chin ups.

Thanks… it helps —- NOT

I’m angry, but nobody wants to hear that…nooooo

So I’ve become terribly afraid of saying anything to anyone — especially people I know who I already relate to… because, as past experience has shown, I start to feel comfortable, then I say something innocent and end up in a world of hurt because I let down my goddamn guard and felt comfortable enough to voice an opinon, or idea or something that angers them.

They’re allowed to be angry and outraged at something I say, but I’m not afforded the same courtesy?

Who made up this rule?

Luci is always wrong, and because of it, Luci is terrified of being comfortable with people and saying anything.

I wish I had a time machine to prove it. Make this choice and you end up in shit … hit reset and try again. Make the opposite choice and I end up in shit again … I really don’t need a time machine because I’ve done it. Was in the same position and made the opposite choice and still ended up wrong.

I went to a class. A simple class that I thought might lead me to a community where I can fit in, and I’ll finish the class, but I can tell already that it’s a bust because I forgot that while those people are open-minded, they’re really only open-minded as long as you think the way they do. Any disagreement is taken as negative thinking and is frowned upon, but I chose to do this, so finish it I will. I could be wrong… I usually am.

I want to be able to speak freely without choosing each and every word carefully… wait, I can’t say that because it’ll offend this person, but I can’t word it this way because it’ll offend that person… and I certainly can’t say this because it’ll offend everyone.

My problem seems to be that no matter where I go, I don’t fit in ENOUGH.

Sure, my views are 80% compatible with theirs, but the 20% that isn’t, is abhorrent to somebody, and they forget the 80% they like and only focus on the 20%. (just picking numbers at random here… but it feels approximately correct)

So I’m supposed to try and deny 20% of myself to make other people happy? And I’m supposed to remember which 20% of myself to hide behind a screen with this person or that person or this group of people?

I don’t get that. Does everyone do this? How do you keep it straight? Here I’m this, and there I’m that? Put this mask on for tonight… and don’t get comfortable or you’ll forget you’re wearing that mask and say something that will only alienate you from this group of people too.

So where’s the group of people who speak freely and let others do so as well?

I’m ME. All of me. I’m not asking you to love all of me, or even like all of me… just let me be ME. I get told often enough, “It’s just the way he is,” or something similar, but when I’m just the way I am? I get a world of hurt piled on me. Nobody seems to afford me the same goddamn courtesy. I don’t see anyone following around behind me saying, “she didn’t mean it that way, it’s just her opinion, don’t take it personally.”

If someone voices an opinion that I disagree with, I’ll start a conversation, or try to, but people don’t seem to want to hear differing opinions, they just want to talk to people who have the same opinion, and agree with you 100%, and let you run on and on without contributing to the conversation because if you do… you’re interrupting them and are being inconsiderate, and if they liked you before, they seem to forget that.

I can’t discuss politics with Dick because he’s a militant left-wing person, and I’m more middle of the road. I agree with the republicans on some ideas, and the democrats on others. I believe in finding a solution. I don’t particularly care if the solution comes from a democrat, a mormon, a hippie or a small child. There’s a commercial on tv, one that indicates the democrats got us into this mess, and Dick is offended by this commercial. It’s not a nice commercial. I feel the people who made it are being offensive, but I can see past that and realise they have a good point. I did some research, and although they went about it in a wrong way, they’re correct in what they’re saying. Dick on the other hand, just dismisses the whole thing because he’s offended by the way they made their case.

Am I the only one who listens to people whos opinions are different than my own? Am I the only one who thinks for herself and comes up with her own opinions?

I sometimes feel controlled by my emotions, but shit like that behaviour seems to prove me wrong. It’s when I get reamed for being me that I really let me loose and the shit starts to fly and the tears start to flow and I take a baseball bat to my recycle bin to let the anger out of me so it doesn’t fester inside… but that’s wrong too. I’m supposed to be able to just let all the bad stuff flow from me without letting it touch me in any way, shape or form while they feel free to trounce on me because they think I’ve done something wrong?

FUCK THAT…. gimme my bat… that recycle bin doesn’t have enough dents in it yet.

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I Just Don’t Fit In

So I’m trying and trying and everything I do is not right.

Dick has been presssing me to be more active on Facebook as a way of letting people get to know me… connect more with people and shit like that, and I’ve been trying to do just that… made a few posts, a few comments, hit the like button and stuff, and while Dick usually clicks like, or makes a silly comment, virtually no one else does, so I’m still thinking that I’m just a misfit who doesn’t belong in any community.

This girl made a post about how she’s feeling guilty that she hasn’t blogged in awhile, and I posted support for her…. I said that I frequently had that problem, and there were no rules, and she’d get to it when she got to it…

That’s good isn’t it? Being supportive and trying to make her feel better right?

A few other comments go by and then she links to some blog (not hers) with the addendum that she has a hankering for pancakes. I click on it and there’s a pile of pancakes with something that looks like puke piled on them.

I leave a comment… I didn’t say there was puke on them. I simply said that they looked disgusting.

Her response? “Fuck you.”

Then a long posting about etiquette and what is and is not appropriate on Facebook.

I thought this was a place where you could be yourself, say what you think, and I did, even if I did sugar-coat the puke pancakes and merely say that they looked disgusting.

So I went back to Facebook and tried to make it better by apologizing, only to find that she’d removed the entire post.

So much for trying to make friends on Facebook I guess.

I just can’t seem to fit in. I’m not like normal people (whoever they may be).

It only seems to confirm what I’ve observed time and time again….

“You have to look at it from his/her point of view.”

So my standard response to that is WHEN THE FUCK IS IT TIME FOR SOMEONE TO BE CONSIDERATE OF MY FEELINGS?

This really shouldn’t bother me this much, but it does. It adds up with all the other failed attempts and I’m crying my eyes out again because goddammit, I just can’t seem to fit in anywhere.

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FaceBook? What’s the point?

Facebook is kinda like a soap opera…. a dull, boring soap opera… who’s doing what and all that. All the stuff that doesn’t get filmed. Soap operas show the fights, the lovemaking, the illnesses and all the exciting stuff, but they don’t show the boring bits like going to work (unless you’re a medical person), or doing your taxes, cleaning your house and shit like that.

It’s like life.

Mostly dull and boring with a few highs and lows and things that genuinely mean something.

Take for example what first pops up when I sign onto Facebook.

This guy bought a new printer. Good for you, I’m sure you needed one, but do you really need to share this with the world? I bought a new hat, but I’m not going to waste people’s time with this information. If you know me, you’ll see me in it at some point and either comment on it or not.

This chick is drinking organic coffee and doing paperwork. I’m thrilled. I’m eating cold Chinese food and a glass of orange juice, whilst trying to figure out why all of you are posting insignificant crap for others to read, but I’m not going to share that with the world either.

Another person posted a link to an article about a grandma who’s planning a Tea Party. Why does she feel the need to share this?

Her husband posted a 30 second vid of their grandson playing the trumpet — badly. Am I supposed to laugh/cry/encourage/care about this kid’s musical efforts? You want to get to Carnegie Hall? PRACTICE!

This other guy posted about 50 pics of something, somewhere, with people in it I don’t know. Some of the pics are pretty, but are they really worth my time to look at?

I’m trying to find something I have in common with the human race, and I see nothing. I seem to slip further and further into complete apathy with a touch of anthropophobism (fear of people). People scare me because I never know what they’ll say or do to trigger the buttons in my head that only serve as reminders that I’m alone in a world full of people who seem to care greatly about stupid shit other people can’t even spell correctly.

For example, my landlady breezes upstairs for a bit and regales me with information while I’m trying to work.

She said that it was a busy week for her (they all are because she tries to cram 12 days worth of stuff into 7)… starting with this, that and the other thing that I don’t care about… sequeing into this, that and this other thing about somebody else I neither know nor care about is doing… finally ending with the fact that her primary boyfriend has changed their plans for this week because an out-of-town ex-girlfirend is feeling sad and blue and doesn’t think she should be left alone… my landlady is upset because she had to change her plans, and upset because this other person she’s never met is sorrowful. She cares… most people would I think. I felt nothing but annoyance because she was taking up my time with bullshit I don’t care about! I didn’t say much, and when she commented that I was being awful quiet, I tried to make up some pleasant lie, but I couldn’t think of one, so I said,

“I’m just trying to concentrate on my work here.”

She gave me a look… a hurt look that spoke a million words I couldn’t interpret, so I just let loose….

“I really don’t have much to say about these people because I don’t know them, nor do I give a shit about them, so I have no idea what type of response you’re looking for from me. You’re always complaining that you never get things done, and THIS is part of the reason why…. you’re already late for an appointment, and instead of heading out to it, you stand there and waste another 30 minutes telling me all this bullshit that isn’t important. You’ve not only delayed yourself, but everyone else who’s in that meeting will now either have to truncate the meeting to meet other obligations, forcing them to reschedule to finish what this meeting was supposed to accomplish, or they’ll have to cancel other meetings or plans to cover the time lost because you couldn’t get there on time.”

She said that just listening was probably the only thing I could do. I said that since I had listened, I guess my task was finished and she should get on to her meeting.

I meant what I said. I do not feel connected to the human race.

I don’t care about people because it has been illustrated on more than one occasion by more than one person that people in general do not care about me or my problems. All I ever get is, hang in there, or it’ll get better soon, or love yourself as they walk away, so I no longer bother trying.

Hell, even my (cough, hack) boyfriend doesn’t get it. I was trying to talk to him on a serious level about my problem, and all I get from him is, “You have interests…. you like music and hats and movies.” Then he quickly changed the topic of conversation to some bullshit somebody said on Twitter.

There’s some great conversation starters for you — NOT.

When I was younger, it didn’t bother me so much. I just got used to being alone in a crowd.

Nowadays?

Nowadays I want to connect, but haven’t the first clue how. It’s a skill I never learned, and since I’m so good at obtaining what I need on my own, I never learned to suck up to people so they’d help me move or something. I’ve helped a shitload of people move, but whenever I moved, it was always… gee, I have concert tickets or a school play or some other excuse. Helping others only got me used… never helped in return, so fuck ’em.

Even here really. I mean, how do people find these silly blogs to comment on? I’m bitching at the wind here. I don’t even get hateful comments from people who think I’m a bitch, so I still feel all alone in a world full of people reading and posting BULLSHIT.

It was suggested that maybe I should just pretend to care until I discovered I do care. I actually tried that, but that just makes me feel like a hypocrite and a liar — two types of people I detest with a passion.

That’s my passion… hating hypocrites and liars and smug bastards who think they have the answer because they’re “enlightened” in one way or another… be it through finding Jesus (I didn’t know he was lost… call the Pope), dianetics, Bikram Yoga, or the joys of Tantric Sex and ecstatic dancing.

I’m thrilled for you…. go share it with someone who cares.

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Why Does the World Hate Me So?

JESUS FUCKING H CHRIST

I can’t seem to catch a fucking break!

My sewing machine was in the shop for two weeks for overhaul

I got it back after $200 out of pocket and more than that in work.

Then it fucked up again… and it was out for two days before I could fix it

Then it worked fine for a few days

Then it started to howl… I found the problem and had to take it back

They fixed it

Now it’s not working again

GODDAMIT I HAVE TO PAY MY FIUCKING RENEDNTKK

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AAARRRGH

The buzzards are circling in my head, feeding off of all the ideas that have born and died there.

What does a girl have to do to get some attention?

I could do a striptease, but that would attract the waaaay wrong kind of guy.

I could dye my hair blonde and act dumb, but it would soon become apparent that I wasn’t what I appeared to be, then I’d be no better than those who have misrepresented themselves to me.

I’m a quiet homebody type… so the where do I go to find another quiet homebody type who wants no more than to have someone to snuggle with on a couch as they kibitzed the stupidity of commercial television, not to mention commercials?

I thought these guys would be sitting in front of their computers, doing the same thing I’m doing, but you couldn’t prove it by what I’ve found there.

So where DID I meet the guys I have connected with?

Let’s explore that for a moment.

I met my ex (and this other guy I still remember fondly) at a science fiction convention… while that wasn’t the deciding factor, it was a contributing factor to moving here 21 years ago.

Neither of those worked out as we know, and I met Tim (alias of course) in a sex club. Call me stupid, but I thought I’d find someone interested in sex, at a sex club. I even submitted to a whole new world of innovative sexual concepts, ideas and acts because, what the Hell, I hadn’t tried them before. I learned that I am more submissive than dominant, but I really knew that…. I’m more of a go-alonger than a let’s go do this type of lady. You suggest it… if I haven’t done it before and hated it, I’ll try it, and if I like it, I’ll do it again. Hell, if I wasn’t sure I’ll do it again and again until I AM sure (one way or another). For various reasons not limited to, but largely related to sex, that relationship didn’t work out either.

I met Dick at work, and Dick was supposed to be part of a possible solution to fixing my problem with Tim, but he caused as many problems as he solved (jealousy NOT being one of them… mostly Tim figured that since Dick was there for me more, he could be there for me even less than he was and pulled further away), so it wasn’t really a fix, and soon became a larger more complicated problem that neither of them were willing to admit to, much less talk about, but for a short time… it was good), so since Tim seemed finally willing to talk and work out some type of compromise, I let him back into my life — against Dick’s wishes, but by this time Dick’s wants and wishes carried (and carry) little weight in my decisions. His current beef is that I’m letting the fake red fade out of my hair, returning it to the gray it has become… I figure, “why bother” with the red? It hasn’t brought anything good my way thus far, so why go through the trouble, and if he’s right about it not making a difference if I’m wearing a dress or jeans, then it won’t make a difference if I’ve got red hair or gray either. He just prefers the red, but since he’s not wiling to even try to give me what I want… FUCK HIS preferences.

While there are moments when Tennyson and I see eye to eye, and moments when I’d smack him upside the head with a cast iron frying pan and a double-handed full out backswing, Carroll had it right when he said, “I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then.”

So you may guess that it’s not working, and I can’t blame Tim this time. It’s not his fault… he’s trying his best to comply with my wishes, wants and needs. I’m the one who can’t go back. He’s trying to move forward, and I need to figure out how to go forward too, but I’m not that person, and too much water flowed under that bridge for me to try and dam it up now. Even though he’s been nice and sweet… I find I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.. for him to once again stop trying because he thinks he no longer has to. That’s wrong of me I know, but I can’t stop myself. I see the signs already… we make plans to have a nice quiet dinner together, and the whole time he has his face stuck in his netbook trying to figure out how to get Twitter on his phone properly so he can “retwit” something. I REAALLLY don’t get the whole twitter thing, or facebook thing, or myspace thing, or anything along those lines, and when I asked him what it was all about.. I didn’t understand his rationale.

“You can talk to people all over the world and find out what they’re doing.”

BIG DEAL! Like I care about Joe Blow in Cleveland, or Geneva, or the fact that his mother made him a new shirt.

Why is this so fascinating to people?

“You can connect with old friends.”

I don’t have any that I care enough about to find and exchange news with. I mean, if I haven’t spoken to them in 5, 10, 35 years and managed to live what pathetic life I have without them, what do I need them for now?

I miss my father, but he’s been dead a long time, and cannot be a help to me in any way at this point.

I miss my friend Margie, but she’s been dead a long time too, and cannot be a help to me now.

I miss my friend Tommy, but his liver crapped out on him, and he’s been dead five years now.

That’s it. Those are the people I’d like to speak to…. the people I think might be able to help, and they’re all dead.

Now, I know how to go forward. But what needs to happen for me to go forward is not happening as there are no takers. I have to replace Dick with someone who isn’t a liar, and a user, and an asshole, but who is capable of making me laugh just as much, and share just as much, and be good in bed (and he is damn good at that… it’s the best weapon in his arsenal), but there were no takers, and I can’t go through that any more, so I’m stuck.

I need to find someone who can help me cope with rejection and betrayal and lonliness because trying to deal with the rejection, insults (perceived* and real), and general lack of interest is making me insane in a really bad way, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the Internet is NOT the place to find this person or people.

I’m NOT going back down that road. I know where it leads, and I’d rather walk onto an airplane knowing it was going to crash into the fucking ocean, so I gotta find another road.

So where do I go to “run into” another guy?

I found one guy in a science fiction convention… a place full of nerdy guys who (experience has told me) are more interested in comic books and games than in a relationship with women, mostly because they don’t have experience with them, so don’t know how to act with one, or treat one, or do with one. In my younger years, I attended a LOT of this type of convention, so know well the type I’m likely to find there… my ex and this other guy were two flukes. And I’m certainly not interested in becoming a teacher to one of these guys to teach him how to act with women.

I found another in a sex club, and have gone back looking, but while I’ve found a ton of men who want to tie me to a rack and beat me with a whip, I haven’t found anyone willing to actually have a relationship with me, or even sex with me for that matter.

I found yet a third at work, but while there are a ton of men there…. none of them have taken me up on my attempts at becoming acquainted on a deeper level than just saying “hi” as we pass each other, or willing to do anything more than “innocent” flirting.

What’s the point of flirting anyway if not to indicate the possibility of going further? Tim says that he likes to flirt because it makes him feel good when some strange woman flirts with him… feel good? I don’t get that. So some guy is willing to play double entendre games with me, I’m good enough for that, but NOT good enough to take it a step (or three) further? How is that supposed to make me feel good?

I’ve tried everything I could think of, and need new ideas, but the epiphany escapes me. I’m standing in the dark flipping a light switch, but the damn bulb has blown out and because I’m in the dark I can’t find not only the cupboard the replacement bulbs are in, but the damn socket to fit it into should I find one.

And that’s probably the most positive thing in my head…. how’s that for depressing?

The buzzards in my mind continue to circle.

I fear they will do it until there’s nothing left.

~~~~~~~

*a perceived insult is when you type a really nice introductory letter to somone and that someone doesn’t even bother to reply with a simple, “thanks for your interest, but I don’t think we have enough in common,” or words to that effect.

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Pointless

Once again I find myself typing instead of ranting into the phone or the mirror, or writing illegibly into my journal because there’s nothing else to do. I’ve done the work that isn’t due until sunday, and I prepped what I could for the next few weeks with that particular client. I’m waiting on a call from another client…. she usually calls on monday to find out when I can pick up a load of work, then she bitches about how behind she is, and can I possibly do four days work in two? I can’t bitch, because I’ve ALWAYS come through for her (except when my machine goes on strike by breaking down because I work the damn thing harder than I should)… So here I sit, with nothing to do but wait, and that means my brain starts running circles around itself… circles I can’t stop.

I have no friends to call to catch up on with, or vent on, and I have nobody to blame for that but me because I really don’t see the benefit of friendship, and that’s part of why I feel so alien.

So, WHY do people make friends?

Beats the fuck out of me.

My landlady just blew through here on her way to some meeting or another… some meeting that she told me about, but I wasn’t reallly listening after the first few minutes because I simply don’t give a shit about whatever it was she was talking about. That pretty much covers all of the conversations I have with her.

It started with her asking if I had jumper cables because she’d once again done a dumb thing (not surprising) and left the keys in her car in the on position and now her car won’t start (she lives downstairs). She’s already running late, now she’s later because she just can’t seem to get her shit together. I’ve lost count of the times she’s done shit like this. Hell, I could write for hours and not even come close to telling you every time she’s fucked up because she’s too stupid to make the simplest effort to make her life easier.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve locked the keys in my car on occasion, but I also have a spare in my purse, and I own jumper cables, so worst case scenerio, I can flag down a passing motorist and ask for a jump, or simply get into it if I left them in the ignition while shopping. I’m also a member of AAA in case it breaks down… whereas she’s driving around with a hinky clutch, and brakes so bad she’s already been in one accident, yet she still doesn’t bother to get them fixed… not because of finances, but because she doesn’t have time to have it done.

Simple precautions make life simpler, but she seems to go out of the way to complicate things, but I’m not going to go off on this tangent any further…. it’ll only lead my mind down a fucked-up road and piss me off!

Friends

My ex had a bezillion friends.. He liked to game, and all his gaming buddies would come over and I’d listen to dice rolling and little metal miniatures all the time, and weird conversations about ogres and monsters and superpowers. I tried joining them, but it was too boring with a thousand million rules and rules lawyers and such… I ended up all alone in a room with six or seven guys. They were friends because they had a similar interests in stupid little models and the games they could play with them.

Tim has a bezillion friends… most of them online, and he buries himself in his computer. When he comes up for air he inundates me with talk of people I’ve never met, and stories about things that don’t interest me. …. fezmonger is going to the east coast… that sort of thing. I can only assume that he and they have similar interests. Fez’s, ukuleles, writing music, etc.

Dick has a bezillion friends… mostly girls he’s trying to lay, so he won’t talk to me about them, and useless nonsense that gets posted on Facebook… I really don’t care who is making cookies, or weeding their yard, or going on a trip. I don’t draw pictures and post them just so people I don’t care about can tell me that it looks like their cat on drugs or something else “funny”… are they really friends, or just people he kills time with when he should be doing something else? People on Facebook have similar interests and EXPAND them, by adding people who match here, but have this other interest over here that doesn’t thrill me, but this one that does… so let’s explore that further. I get the theory of that, but I have no interests of my own to start with, and after just surfing online via Google’s random (I Feel Lucky) button for hours… I still don’t see anything that attracts me… not one thing.

My landlady is busy, busy, busy… she works in an arts group that I used to be a part of, but why? All they do is talk about fixing this problem or that problem, and never actually get around to fixing anything. She volunteers with a group who’s goal is to get health care for everybody… YEAH, like that’s going to work! She even participated in a video for YouTube, protesting Target because they’ve donated a bunch of money to a candidate…. That sounds like fun — NOT!

So where does someone like me go to find people who also have nothing to do and noone to do it with?

I like to play cards, but all my attempts to put together a collection of people (or find an existing collection) to get together with have met with no results.

I’m boring and dull apparently, because I don’t care for meaningless bullshit, or wasted effort to change things that won’t change.

The things I like are mostly solitary things… reading, watching movies, doing the occasional jigsaw puzzle, and other such endeavours.

I spend a ton of time working, and when I’m not working, I drug or drink myself into a stupor to turn off my brain, or I’ll spend hours and hours typing useless crap, talking to myself, neither of which doesn’t make things any better, reading through old entries in my journal… noticing that I still have the same problem I had a year ago… or two years ago… or 10 years ago, and that no progress has been made, and I’m no better off, and that only makes things worse.

I try to force myself to do SOMETHING…ANYTHING, but it doesn’t matter what I end up doing, because it doesn’t interest me (most likely because I’m alone and have no one to share the experience with), and I only end up sitting there, my brain running back to the same circles they’d be in if I was sitting at home, alone with my own thoughts. I went to the pier to watch boats, and ended up sitting there, soaking wet because I’d been so wrapped up in my own thoughts I didn’t notice it had started to rain. I’ve gone to the zoo… I love the zoo, but all the people there paired up make me cry because I’m alone with no one to share it with.

That’s all I really want… someone to share my life with, but I have no interests to attract me to others… nothing I can latch onto… nothing that lends itself easily to group… I mean, is there someplace where you can post… I’m alone, and would like someone to go to the zoo with?… I’ve tried Craigslist, but don’t get me started on that one again… it’s full of assholes and psychos looking for free blow jobs.

Yahoo groups have gotten me nowhere.

The Red Hat Society…. a bunch of old women talking about their grandkids from what I’ve experienced.

The circles close in and I’m out of ideas, yet I keep looking for ideas….

Back to Einstein and his definition of stupid.

I can’t break out of this fucking box, and I’m usually GREAT at thinking outside the box. I’m beginning to think this box is too fucking big to get out of, but I don’t seem to fit into this society.

In a world full of people connecting, I can’t seem to find other misfits to connect with.

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