The buzzards are circling in my head, feeding off of all the ideas that have born and died there.
What does a girl have to do to get some attention?
I could do a striptease, but that would attract the waaaay wrong kind of guy.
I could dye my hair blonde and act dumb, but it would soon become apparent that I wasn’t what I appeared to be, then I’d be no better than those who have misrepresented themselves to me.
I’m a quiet homebody type… so the where do I go to find another quiet homebody type who wants no more than to have someone to snuggle with on a couch as they kibitzed the stupidity of commercial television, not to mention commercials?
I thought these guys would be sitting in front of their computers, doing the same thing I’m doing, but you couldn’t prove it by what I’ve found there.
So where DID I meet the guys I have connected with?
Let’s explore that for a moment.
I met my ex (and this other guy I still remember fondly) at a science fiction convention… while that wasn’t the deciding factor, it was a contributing factor to moving here 21 years ago.
Neither of those worked out as we know, and I met Tim (alias of course) in a sex club. Call me stupid, but I thought I’d find someone interested in sex, at a sex club. I even submitted to a whole new world of innovative sexual concepts, ideas and acts because, what the Hell, I hadn’t tried them before. I learned that I am more submissive than dominant, but I really knew that…. I’m more of a go-alonger than a let’s go do this type of lady. You suggest it… if I haven’t done it before and hated it, I’ll try it, and if I like it, I’ll do it again. Hell, if I wasn’t sure I’ll do it again and again until I AM sure (one way or another). For various reasons not limited to, but largely related to sex, that relationship didn’t work out either.
I met Dick at work, and Dick was supposed to be part of a possible solution to fixing my problem with Tim, but he caused as many problems as he solved (jealousy NOT being one of them… mostly Tim figured that since Dick was there for me more, he could be there for me even less than he was and pulled further away), so it wasn’t really a fix, and soon became a larger more complicated problem that neither of them were willing to admit to, much less talk about, but for a short time… it was good), so since Tim seemed finally willing to talk and work out some type of compromise, I let him back into my life — against Dick’s wishes, but by this time Dick’s wants and wishes carried (and carry) little weight in my decisions. His current beef is that I’m letting the fake red fade out of my hair, returning it to the gray it has become… I figure, “why bother” with the red? It hasn’t brought anything good my way thus far, so why go through the trouble, and if he’s right about it not making a difference if I’m wearing a dress or jeans, then it won’t make a difference if I’ve got red hair or gray either. He just prefers the red, but since he’s not wiling to even try to give me what I want… FUCK HIS preferences.
While there are moments when Tennyson and I see eye to eye, and moments when I’d smack him upside the head with a cast iron frying pan and a double-handed full out backswing, Carroll had it right when he said, “I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then.”
So you may guess that it’s not working, and I can’t blame Tim this time. It’s not his fault… he’s trying his best to comply with my wishes, wants and needs. I’m the one who can’t go back. He’s trying to move forward, and I need to figure out how to go forward too, but I’m not that person, and too much water flowed under that bridge for me to try and dam it up now. Even though he’s been nice and sweet… I find I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.. for him to once again stop trying because he thinks he no longer has to. That’s wrong of me I know, but I can’t stop myself. I see the signs already… we make plans to have a nice quiet dinner together, and the whole time he has his face stuck in his netbook trying to figure out how to get Twitter on his phone properly so he can “retwit” something. I REAALLLY don’t get the whole twitter thing, or facebook thing, or myspace thing, or anything along those lines, and when I asked him what it was all about.. I didn’t understand his rationale.
“You can talk to people all over the world and find out what they’re doing.”
BIG DEAL! Like I care about Joe Blow in Cleveland, or Geneva, or the fact that his mother made him a new shirt.
Why is this so fascinating to people?
“You can connect with old friends.”
I don’t have any that I care enough about to find and exchange news with. I mean, if I haven’t spoken to them in 5, 10, 35 years and managed to live what pathetic life I have without them, what do I need them for now?
I miss my father, but he’s been dead a long time, and cannot be a help to me in any way at this point.
I miss my friend Margie, but she’s been dead a long time too, and cannot be a help to me now.
I miss my friend Tommy, but his liver crapped out on him, and he’s been dead five years now.
That’s it. Those are the people I’d like to speak to…. the people I think might be able to help, and they’re all dead.
Now, I know how to go forward. But what needs to happen for me to go forward is not happening as there are no takers. I have to replace Dick with someone who isn’t a liar, and a user, and an asshole, but who is capable of making me laugh just as much, and share just as much, and be good in bed (and he is damn good at that… it’s the best weapon in his arsenal), but there were no takers, and I can’t go through that any more, so I’m stuck.
I need to find someone who can help me cope with rejection and betrayal and lonliness because trying to deal with the rejection, insults (perceived* and real), and general lack of interest is making me insane in a really bad way, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the Internet is NOT the place to find this person or people.
I’m NOT going back down that road. I know where it leads, and I’d rather walk onto an airplane knowing it was going to crash into the fucking ocean, so I gotta find another road.
So where do I go to “run into” another guy?
I found one guy in a science fiction convention… a place full of nerdy guys who (experience has told me) are more interested in comic books and games than in a relationship with women, mostly because they don’t have experience with them, so don’t know how to act with one, or treat one, or do with one. In my younger years, I attended a LOT of this type of convention, so know well the type I’m likely to find there… my ex and this other guy were two flukes. And I’m certainly not interested in becoming a teacher to one of these guys to teach him how to act with women.
I found another in a sex club, and have gone back looking, but while I’ve found a ton of men who want to tie me to a rack and beat me with a whip, I haven’t found anyone willing to actually have a relationship with me, or even sex with me for that matter.
I found yet a third at work, but while there are a ton of men there…. none of them have taken me up on my attempts at becoming acquainted on a deeper level than just saying “hi” as we pass each other, or willing to do anything more than “innocent” flirting.
What’s the point of flirting anyway if not to indicate the possibility of going further? Tim says that he likes to flirt because it makes him feel good when some strange woman flirts with him… feel good? I don’t get that. So some guy is willing to play double entendre games with me, I’m good enough for that, but NOT good enough to take it a step (or three) further? How is that supposed to make me feel good?
I’ve tried everything I could think of, and need new ideas, but the epiphany escapes me. I’m standing in the dark flipping a light switch, but the damn bulb has blown out and because I’m in the dark I can’t find not only the cupboard the replacement bulbs are in, but the damn socket to fit it into should I find one.
And that’s probably the most positive thing in my head…. how’s that for depressing?
The buzzards in my mind continue to circle.
I fear they will do it until there’s nothing left.
*a perceived insult is when you type a really nice introductory letter to somone and that someone doesn’t even bother to reply with a simple, “thanks for your interest, but I don’t think we have enough in common,” or words to that effect.